Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
