so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Sext me about skeletons
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize