Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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