they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
