I feel great
I just peed on a car
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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