made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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