it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
