Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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