did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
