Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
