to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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