and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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