I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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