There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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