Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
