If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
