i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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