We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
