I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
