omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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