halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
