So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
