I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
