Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
