My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
