Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
