Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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