I have demons in me.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Randomize
