Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
