So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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