is your mom at the bar?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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