Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
