By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
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I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
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Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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