he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
