omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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