If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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