Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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