hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
