I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
