I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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