Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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