i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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