He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
