Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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