If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Liz is crying about burritos again.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
