you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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