The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
