I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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