You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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