I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
