Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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