I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
