He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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