I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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