Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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